Love among madness
by Tovarich
Summary: In the 19th century, Amelia is a journalist who wants to investigate what life is like in an asylum. There she meets Alice, a young woman who doesn't seem to be more insane than Amelia herself. Warnings: Abuse of authority by medical staff, intense physical and emotional violence, brief and non-descriptive mention of sexual exploitation, bittersweet ending


Amelia felt a shiver of fear run through her body as she saw the high walls of the asylum standing before her. The building was dark and threatening, even from a distance. On the rusty boat leading her and the other women to their dreaded destination, everyone was silent. They all imagined what was waiting for them on the other side of this grey, decrepit façade. Amelia wanted to run away, but it was too late now, she had gone too far. She convinced her editor to let her do this, even though he thought she was crazy. She made doctors believe in her insanity, she had done too many things to finally be here. She couldn't give up now. And even if she had been able too, her curiosity and her ego would have prevented her from doing so.

Amelia had always been a curious woman, she wanted to know everything about the world around her. That's why she had become a journalist. As a woman it hadn't been easy, men gave priority to other men, they believed her to be incompetent and weak, but she proved them otherwise. She gained her co-workers respect through her hard work and endless determination. She knew she had to do better than men to gain respect. She had to work twice as hard to get half the reward of her male counterparts. It was unfair and she hated it, but this was the world she was living in and she had to do with it. Amelia was clever and persistent, and that's why instead of being at home taking care of her children and of her husband, she was about to infiltrate a psychiatric hospital and discover how life was behind those tall dark walls.

Amelia and the other patients were roughly escorted towards the old iron gates of the building. It looked more like a prison than a hospital. Amelia tried to engrave every detail in her memory, which proved difficult with all the conflicting thoughts running around in her head. The garden looked dead, despite it being Spring. There were no flowers blooming, no bees and butterflies flying in the air, no perfume, no colour. The only thing she could hear was crying and screaming. Sounds of despair and rage.

Amelia thought she hadn't been prepared for this. She expected madness, anger, sadness. She expected women with hollow eyes talking to themselves, she expected condescending doctors looking down on their patients and overworked nurses running all over the place. What she found, though, was terrified women, some of them looking insane, others only looking weak, tired and terrified. The nurses weren't running around trying to take care of their patients; they only looked at them with disdain in their eyes, screaming and laughing at those poor women. The doctor was nowhere to be found, certainly hiding in his office somewhere in the upper floors. This was chaos, this was hell. And she had only just arrived.

A nurse approached the newcomers. "Follow me," she said, impatience clear in her voice. She instantly turned around, walking fast towards a door on the far end of the room.

When they entered another little room, dimly lit with oil lamps, the new patients were made to stand in line, and one after the other, they were given new clothes. It was only a grey dress. It looked dirty despite having been washed and the fabric in which it was made was very thin. It barely protected their bodies from the cold wind coming through the windows. Amelia's name was called and she was given her new clothes. She looked around, trying to find a place to change without being seen by all the other women in the room.

"What are you waiting for, Miss Jones?" the nurse said. "We don't have the whole day, so change quickly and give me your old clothes."

Amelia opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She realised she was shaking. Swallowing her fear and some saliva through her dry throat, she whispered,

"Would it be possible to have a more... intimate place to change clothes?"

"Intimacy is a concept you'd better forget quickly, Miss Jones," the nurse replied, giving Amelia a hateful glare. "Now be quick or I'll remove your clothes for you."

Amelia undressed and put on her new dress as fast as she could. She bit her lips trying not to talk back to the nurse. She knew it would be useless. She didn't want to attract more attention than strictly necessary.

After they all were dressed, the new patients were told to go back into the previous room. It was supposed to be a living room, in fact it was the room where all the low security women were told to stay all day. There were no distraction, nothing to read, talking to each other above a whisper was prohibited. And after all, who would you talk to when you were surrounded by insanity. That's what Amelia thought at first. She nonetheless started looking around, observing her fellow prisoners. Because that's what they were in the end, prisoners.

There was a tall woman sitting all alone in silence. She had big amethyst eyes and a strange smile on her lips. She didn't look happy nor sad, she seemed asleep with her eyes wide open, as if she was in another world. Maybe it was for the best, Amelia thought, looking away. The present had nothing to offer after all. They were in a dark room whose walls were covered in decrepit white paint. Here and there rusty brown stains told stories of brutality and desperation. The widows seemed to be perpetually opened, but were they closed, it wouldn't change much. Amelia's stomach was upset by the smell; a mix of rotten food and excrement. It was impossible to say whether it came from inside or outside, and Amelia wasn't sure if she wanted to know. The wooden bench was hard under her sighs and her back already felt too tense.

She continued her observations of some of the other women. Emaciated faces with dark circles under their eyes, bodies too thin to look healthy, dull hair and empty eyes. This was the sad sight she would have to get used to. Sitting here in silence, distractedly listening to other women loudly lamenting and shouting profanities, Amelia could easily imagine how a perfectly sane woman could become crazy after only a few weeks in this environment. She was here only for a week, and she already wondered how she would survive.

A blond woman came to sit beside her. She didn't say anything, only staring blankly at the wall. Her hair had been cut short and her green eyes looked dead. A shiver ran through Amelia's back. She turned towards the woman, a small smile on her lips.

"Hello, I'm Amelia. What's your name?"

She didn't know why she started talking to her, but she felt as if she needed it. And after all, she needed to find someone sane enough to tell her more about this place.

The woman frowned as she turned towards Amelia, looking both surprised and upset at being talked to. For a moment, Amelia thought she wouldn't get a reply. The woman looked at her in the eyes, swallowing thickly before talking.

"I'm Alice." Her voice was hoarse from prolonged lack of talking and her facial expression didn't change, but at least she had talked.

Amelia's smile brightened for a moment. She was simply glad to talk to someone who wasn't a cruel nurse. Still, she forced her expression to become more neutral again. After all, this conversation certainly wouldn't be too pleasant, given the topic.

"How long have you been here?" she heard herself ask. Was it too straightforward? What if Alice got scared for some reason and refused to continue talking to her? But it was too late to take back her words now anyways.

Alice stared at the wall blankly again.

"God only knows," she said in a low voice. "It's so hard to keep track of time here." It seemed as if she was talking to herself more than to Amelia.

Poor woman, Amelia thought. She didn't look insane, only incredibly sad and lonely. As if all life had been taken away from her. As if the light in her eyes had vanished after months or even years of isolation and rough treatments. Amelia knew it was risky to ask too many questions at once, but she was curious and wanted to know more about Alice. For some reason the young woman intrigued her. But instead of directly asking the question that burned her lips, she decided to go on a probably less painful topic.

"You're from England, right? You sound very British," Amelia asked with a small smile. She hoped talking about her homeland would make Alice happy.

Contrary to her expectations, Alice's face closed off at the question. She looked at her feet, her frown deepening and a shadow filled her emerald eyes. She didn't say anything for a long time, only nodding as an answer. Amelia remained silent too, waiting for Alice to start the conversation again. She didn't want to harass her, so she decided to let her set the pace for now. Alice didn't talk again, but she didn't leave either. At some point, she sighed and closed her eyes, running a hand through her hair. Amelia thought Alice would leave, but she didn't. Instead she turned her head towards her and intently stared at Amelia, as if trying to look at her very soul.

"You don't sound insane," Alice said. It wasn't a question, but it requested an answer nonetheless, Amelia knew it.

"Neither do you," she replied. It was a simple answer, in fact it probably wasn't an answer at all. It was a question in disguise. She was scared Alice would be offended by her lack of answer and leave. Why was she always afraid of Alice leaving? There were probably lots of other perfectly sane women trapped here after all. When Alice said nothing, Amelia cleared her throat and looked away.

"I guess for some people I'm crazy enough to be sent here. I had a small breakdown. Stress, probably," she explained. It was a lie of course, but it was very plausible. Amelia hoped this would prompt Alice to reveal why she was here.

Alice took a deep breath. She opened her mouth but didn't say anything. She simply looked at Amelia's eyes, as if trying to decide, in a silent dialog with herself, if the newcomer was trustworthy. There were some things she didn't want people to know. Who knew what the nurses would do to her if they learned certain things. No, it was better to keep her mouth shut for now. Amelia seemed like a kind person, and it was definitely pleasant to be able to have a conversation with someone else, but this was a risk she wasn't willing to take yet.

She got up, casting Amelia a small smile. She hoped it conveyed her feelings. When Amelia returned her smile with a slight bow of her head, Alice was satisfied and turned away. She knew she would talk to Amelia again soon, and it made her happy. It was a weird feeling, one she hadn't felt since a long time.

At noon, one of the nurses rang a bell to announce it was time for lunch. All the patients gathered around an old wooden table. They didn't have much place to move at all while waiting for their meal and Amelia felt an odd claustrophobic feeling she had never felt before. Her head was spinning slightly and she was feverish. Her mouth was dry as she was expecting the worst. One of the nurses put a basket of grey-brown bread on the table and immediately dozens of women threw themselves on it. Toothless mouths attacked dry bread, making inhuman sounds. Other women looked at them before cautiously taking a slice of the bread.

One of them turned towards Amelia with an amiable smile. "Don't eat the crust, it'd break your pretty teeth," she advised, before returning to cutting the crust with her hands, separating it from the crumb.

Amelia nodded, mouth slightly agape, eyes unfocused. She actually looked insane this way, but she was only lost. And disgusted. Not by those poor women, even the most insane, but by the cruel treatment inflicted on them.

She tentatively brought some of the bread crumb to her mouth and chew on it but could bring herself to swallow it. It was bitter, like rotten flower. She wasn't from a particularly wealthy family and in her childhood, she had had to eat rancid bread in difficult times. But never like this. This bread was infected by parasites, it would be covered in mould if the nurses didn't scrape it off the crust. This was the kind of bread that made you sick. She wondered how these women could even swallow a single bite of it, and how they weren't all ill from it. The truth was they were all sick but didn't dare to show it in fear of what the nurses would do in retaliation. Some women weren't eating though. They looked straight ahead to the wall, eyes unmoving, seemingly unaware of what was going on around them. One of such women was sitting right in front of Amelia, looking at her without seeing her. The woman to her left grabbed her slice of bread and quickly put it in her mouth, giving Amelia a toothy grin.

After the bread, they were given soup. If you could even call it soup, Amelia thought, scrunching her nose at the smell. It smelt like old, used oil and rotten vegetables. It seemed as if everything the patients were given to eat was rotten, and from a long time. It was like being given compost to eat. Amelia wanted to throw up just from smelling the stench of this infect food and watching other people being reduced to eat that to survive. Her stomach was so upset she couldn't even bring her spoon to her mouth and taste this soup made of garbage. She slowly breathed through her mouth, looking up towards the ceiling. She couldn't be sick here. When a nurse came to take the bowls and plates from the table and the patients were finally allowed to get up, Amelia breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't know if she would have been able to handle this smell for much longer. Her stomach was so upset that she didn't even feel hungry despite barely having eaten anything.

When the time to go to bed came, Amelia was escorted to the dormitory she would share with eleven other women. She was pleasantly surprised when she saw Alice on one of the beds. It was so reassuring to recognise at least one person. And she had to admit being around Alice made the idea of spending a week in this place a little bit more bearable. She sat on the bed below the one Alice occupied, looking around to make sure no one had already claimed it before. But when no one told her to get up from their bed, she relaxed and looked up at the green-eyed woman.

"How was your first day in hell?" Alice asked with a small sarcastic grin.

Amelia was surprised that Alice actually started the conversation. But she guessed everyone sane enough must be incredibly lonely in such a place and having someone to talk to must be a great comfort.

"It was worse than anything I would have expected." Amelia sighed, struggling to keep a small smile on her lips. She had no right to complain when she was here only for a limited time. Alice wouldn't be free in a week, perhaps she'll never be able to walk on the streets of her city ever again.

Alice smiled sympathetically at her, and Amelia thought she didn't really deserve her compassion, but it still felt good.

"Nobody expects this. They expect something bad, but no cruelty. And no one cares enough to find out how life really is here." Alice lied on her mattress as she spoke.

Amelia winced. She wanted to say 'I do. I care about this, that's why I'm here! I'll let the whole world know what you have to go through!' but she couldn't. of course, she couldn't. What if anyone other than Alice found out the truth? It would ruin all her efforts, and she couldn't allow this. This was too important to take the risk. And thus, Amelia only made a vaguely approving grunt. She didn't know what to say next, so she just fell silent and listened to the noises around her. Something scratching at the wall, maybe it was someone's nails. The thought made her shiver. She could hear snippets of conversations that didn't make any sense, people talking to themselves or to someone else too insane to follow a conversation. There were screams too, those were the worst. Terror, rage, despair. It made Amelia's heart clench in her chest. She was afraid and angry, and she didn't know which emotion prevailed.

"Your assumption was correct, earlier." Alice's voice broke through Amelia's conflicted trail of thoughts.

Amelia's brain was too engrossed in her thinking to know what Alice was referring to.

"Huh?" was the only reply Alice got to her statement. It seemed to make her laugh, though Amelia wasn't sure. There was too much noise and Alice's laughter were too quiet. But when she spoke again, Amelia could hear the smile in her voice.

"When you asked if I came from England," Alice said. "You were right. I left London a few years ago, with my lover. My parents wanted me to get married with someone else. I refused and left." Amelia heard Alice's body shifting on the bed above hers. Alice took a deep breath, as if she were preparing to say something very important, but nothing came. Alice moved again, making the metallic box spring squeak.

"They wouldn't have agreed to you marrying someone else?" Amelia questioned, eyebrows furrowed. She couldn't understand how parents could make their daughter leave rather than letting her get married with whoever she wished.

For a moment, Alice said nothing. The silence stretched for long minutes, and Amelia was starting to give up on getting an answer tonight. Then, suddenly, she heard Alice's voice again.

"It wasn't a man," she whispered, uncertainty clear in her voice. She was afraid of Amelia's judgement. It was the first time since she got here that anyone showed interest in her, the first time she could have a real conversation with anyone. She didn't want to lose this. Not over her sexual orientation.

Amelia's eyes opened wide and for a moment she didn't say anything other than 'oh'. Alice kept anxiously moving on her bed, turning on one side, then the other. Amelia blinked when Alice cleared her throat. She had to say something before the tension became unbearable.

"What happened after you left with her?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"We lived together for some time. We told our neighbours that we were cousins. But we were very young at the time, and she soon met someone else. At first, she stayed with me, even though she was seeing that other woman. She was older and she had more money. She had so much more to offer than a poor English girl. So of course, she left." Alice bit her lower lip. Was she saying too much? Probably, but it felt good to finally be able to tell those things to someone else. She had kept this story for herself through all those years, but now was time to share it and turn the page. "After that I was expelled from my apartment. I didn't have enough to pay for it on my own. I ended up on the street. With scarcely anything to eat and very little sleep, I looked insane. And perhaps I was starting to lose my mind. I was disturbing the neighbourhood anyway, so the police took me to a doctor who declared me insane and sent me here."

A long pause followed Alice's story. She had told those things as if she was telling a story, as if it hadn't been her life. She couldn't afford to be emotional, she had to shield herself to survive in those harsh conditions. Through all those years, Alice had created an armour around her heart, high walls to protect her, and she wasn't ready to tear them down yet. Talking about her past was already difficult enough.

Amelia tried to find the right words to say, but she failed. Was there something right to tell someone who had lived through this? Her throat felt painfully tight and her eyes burnt with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. It's just so… so unfair. All of this because of who you loved." Amelia's voice cracked audibly on her last words. She knew she had to say something more. Something personal. Alice had trusted her with this secret, so Amelia had to return the favour. "I… I love women too. I actually love both men and women but I've never told this to anyone else. I've never had anyone in my life."

They had something in common, and it made Amelia so happy. It was irrational, of course. But meeting someone who understood how it felt to love someone you weren't allowed to love, it was liberating.

Alice moved again, but this time, she looked at Amelia from her place on her bed. Her eyes and her cheeks were damp, her eyebrows were knitted together in a deep scowl, which created wrinkles on her forehead. Amelia sat on her mattress and gently touched her cheek.

"That's our shared secret, now," she said with a reassuring smile. Alice nodded, trying to smile in return but failing miserably. A quiet sob escaped her lips. Amelia got up and wrapped her arms around Alice's shoulder, whispering reassuring words to her until she calmed down.

The next morning, Amelia woke up to the sound of a nurse yelling at them to get up and get dressed. She groaned and rubbed at her sleep-filled eyes. Her back was sore from the hard mattress she had slept on. Alice quickly got out of bed and advised Amelia to hurry up as she exited the room.

When she was ready, Amelia followed the other patients down the stairs to the bathroom. A nurse was shouting at a woman to undressed and get in the bathtub, and when the young girl obeyed, she started brutally scrubbing her back and her head with a brush, leaving red trails on her pale skin. Amelia winced at the small grunts that escaped the girl's lips. The poor woman was shaking from the cold water as she got out of the bath and another woman got in. Amelia's stomach twisted in dread as she realised it was soon to be her turn. She watched as Alice got in the bath and seeing her naked made Amelia realise how thin she was. Looking around at the other patients, Amelia realised none of them had a healthy weight. They were all scrawny from malnutrition.

Amelia gritted her teeth as she stepped into the dirty, freezing water. She had to bite her lower lip to avoid whimpering in pain. Her skin was on fire, all red and irritated, her hair was a mess, she had tears in her eyes and she was shaking like a leaf. Yet, the worst was probably the shame she felt at being seen naked by dozens of women, in a bathtub while a nurse was ruthlessly scrubbing her skin to the point of drawing blood. She felt exposed in a humiliating was, as if the nurse was not only scrubbing at her skin but also at her dignity. She felt weak and soiled.

Breakfast was just as disgusting as dinner had been. Amelia's stomach growled, but she refused to eat even a single bite of this filthy food. The woman sitting on her left took the slice of buttered bread that lay in front of Amelia and brought it to her lips, eating it with a mad smile. Amelia's hair was still damp and the wind coming from the open window made her shiver. She got up and went to close it, but as soon as it was done, she received a harsh slap from one of the nurses. It was a tall, chubby woman, with long brown hair gathered in a bun. Her big hands seemed to have been designed to bring pain. There was no softness in her, her eyes shone with endless hatred and the lines of her face were hard.

"Who gave you the permission to do this? This room needs some air to evacuate the filth of its occupants' breath. The window will be closed when we decide so." She roughly pushed Amelia away, making her stumble. And Amelia was grateful she didn't actually fall, or she might have received a vicious kick in the ribs or the face, or wherever it would have hurt more. Instead, she got a hard punch on the cheek that would certainly leave a bruise.

Still, Amelia wasn't in a mood to give up, despite the malicious glint in her opponent's eyes, she insisted,

"Can we at least have warmer clothes, or a blanket? We're going to get sick in these conditions." She glared at the nurse, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Why should I care?" the nurse said in a mocking tone. "Your lives don't matter, dear," she spat the words, disgust obvious in her voice. "Now sit down or I'll have to punish you. And trust me, I would be glad to do so. Some women need to learn to respect figures of authority."

When Amelia didn't move, the nurse grabbed her arm in a tight hold and pulled her to the table. She pushed her against it, making a few cups of tea spill their content. She pulled Amelia's wavy hair with all her strength, guiding her to her chair and forcing her to sit down. Amelia couldn't contain her sob this time. It wasn't only the physical pain; she could handle that. No, it was the utter humiliation of being treated this way in front of other people, the frustration of not being able to decide anything for herself, of being denied the most basic things. She was robbed of her dignity, and so were the other women. And if they hadn't already been crazy when they first arrived, surely, they would succumb to insanity with such a life. After that, Amelia stayed quiet until breakfast was over, staring blankly at the sticky wood of the table.

Alice came to sit down next to her, putting a gentle hand on her thigh. "That's why I cut my hair," she whispered.

Amelia looked at her curiously, not really understanding what she meant. She didn't need to say anything, Alice read the confusion on her face. She chuckled and smiled humourlessly.

"It's awful to have long hair here. They make a mess of it in the bath, they pull you by the hair when you refuse to obey. And you can't even brush it, you can't do it in a bun or anything. It ends up being a weakness. An ugly mass of sticky knots."

Amelia stared at Alice for a moment. What could she reply to this? She blinked a few times before speaking.

"How did you cut it? It's not like they let you use scissors or sharp knives here." Amelia was intrigued. The more she talked to Alice, the more she wanted to learn about her.

"One of the doctors accepted to give me scissors." Alice looked down as she spoke. Of course, there was more to the story, but she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it. She only hoped Amelia wouldn't ask.

After a moment of silence, Amelia gently took Alice's chin in her hand, forcing her to look at Amelia's eyes. There was so much shame and anger and self-loathing in those emerald irises that it took Amelia's breath away. She didn't need to ask, she already understood. The sorrowful look in Alice's eyes was more than enough. The green-eyed woman closed her eyes, unable to hold Amelia's stare. Her lips were already quivering, and she didn't want the tears gathering in her eyes and blurring her vision to spill on her pale cheeks. Amelia felt her heart break. Waves of anger and sadness assaulted her, leaving her no respite. How unfair could this world be, destroying such a wonderful creature as Alice? She squeezed Alice's hand, trying her best to comfort her, letting her understand that she knew what had happened. She whispered the woman's name, voice breaking, eyes watering. What could she do to make things at least a little bit better?

That night, after the nurses turned off the oil lamps that lit the dormitory, Alice sat up on her bed. She wasn't sure what she was doing. Who knew what the nurses would do to her if they found out she wasn't in her bed anymore? It made a shiver run down her spine, images of her bruised, swollen face dances in front of her eyes. How would they punish her this time? Would they only beat her, throw her in a dark and empty room for days without anything to eat, send her to a higher security aisle?

The options were endless, they had imagination when it came to sadism. But the warmth of Amelia's body against hers was so appealing. She felt cold and lonely in her bed, nightmares were only waiting for her to close her eyes, lurking in the dark corners of her mind, threatening to attack her as soon as she let her guard down. She was so frightened of slipping out of consciousness only to be mercilessly tortured by her demons. Alice had always endured it; she had had no choice before Amelia's arrival. However, now, she knew there was somewhere safer in the world, just below her mattress. It was too tempting, and Alice didn't have the strength to resist anymore. She was small and weak and tired. If only she could rest for just one night, just a few hours of peaceful rest. Everything would be alright. But was it really worth it? And what if Amelia got punished instead of her? The simple thought of it made her whimper. It would be unfair. Amelia was the sweetest person she had ever met; she didn't deserve their cruelty. She was too good for this world. A heart of gold in a pile of garbage, that's what Amelia was. And she made everything brighter around her with just a hint of a smile. Amelia's presence was addictive like a powerful drug, she had only been there for two days, and already Alice couldn't imagine a life without her.

Alice was so engrossed in her thoughts, so busy debating with herself on what to do, that she didn't notice the creaking of the bed below hers. It was Amelia's voice whispering her name that brought her back to the real world.

"What is it?" Alice replied to Amelia's call. She was shaking. Why was she trembling so much? It was the cold, the irresistible desire to be close to Amelia, the fear of what might happen if she gave in to temptation.

"Do you think I could sleep in your bed?" Her voice was heavy with doubt. What would she do if Alice refused? What would be the consequence on their friendship?

Still, Amelia couldn't sleep on her own, it was too much to ask of her. Every time her eyelids closed, she was vulnerable to a whole world of cruelty, sadistic laughter echoing in her skull, pain flashing through her whole body, blood trickling down her back, tears streaming down her cheek, her throat sore from screaming and crying. She needed the safety of Alice's arms. She was so much stronger than Amelia, she was her anchor in this world of darkness.

"It's cold and dark here." There was a pause, but Alice knew Amelia wasn't done speaking. "I'm scared. I need to touch you, feel your warmth. Please, I know it's ridiculous and it could get us in trouble, but I'll take the blame, I won't let them touch you. Please…" Amelia's voice broke. She was breathing too fast, the lump in her throat keeping the air from reaching her lungs. She closed her eyes, trying to fight the panic, attempting to swallow the sobs that threatened to spill past her clenched teeth.

And suddenly, with only a touch of Alice's elegant fingers on her shoulder, it stopped. The world stopped turning, her body stopped aching, her heart stopped erratically pumping blood through her veins. Serenity. The deepest calm brought only by a simple touch of a friendly hand.

"Of course, you can sleep with me. We'll have to be careful, though. It wouldn't do if they found out. But we'll worry about this later," Alice said, voice gentle, like a mother reassuring her child after they had a nightmare. It was a voice that whispered 'everything will be alright' with every word.

And so, Amelia climbed up to Alice's bed. Immediately, thin arms wrapped around her, bringing her closer to that scrawny but strong body. Amelia hummed before wrapping her arms tightly around Alice's waist. And without another word, both women fell asleep.

The next days were probably the best Alice had lived for a very long time. It brought back memories of casual touch, a friendly hand landing on an arm, a small smile illuminating darkness, deep conversations in which no words were needed. Alice hadn't realised how much she had missed those small things, how important they were. She hadn't allowed herself to miss those seemingly insignificant gestures of affection, and yet, she craved them, her whole being was aching for them. It had only been a few days, and already Alice didn't know how she could ever live without Amelia.

Alice and Amelia were sitting in a secluded corner of the living room, if it could be called so. Alice was looking around, making sure no nurse was watching them. When she was sure the coast was clean, she looked intently at Amelia. She felt a bit bold today, and so, she grabbed Amelia's hand. Amelia's eyes grew wide but she didn't take her hand away, on the contrary she even squeezed the other woman's hand. It felt so good to hold Amelia's hand, it seemed so natural as if Alice's fingers were always meant to be intertwined with Amelia's. She could almost feel how fast Amelia's heart was beating, but she suspected it was only her own heart drumming rapidly in her chest, pumping blood all through her body. She felt it pulse in her fingertip in an intoxicatingly fast rhythm. Alice never wanted to let go of this soft hand, she wanted to remain like that forever, sitting so close to Amelia her shoulders were touching.

Yet, Amelia knew all too well that this moment couldn't last forever. As a matter of fact, tomorrow would be the day of her departure. She felt a mix of relief and gloom. Alice had brightened her life, even in such a dark place. And Amelia had witness changes in Alice too; the young woman didn't seem so empty anymore, a new light had started shining in those two pure emeralds. She found that she wasn't really looking forward to leaving. This week was supposed to be hell, and in some respects it had been. She had been faced with incredible brutality and cruelty, she had witnessed women getting strangled by strong nurses for uttering a single word, she had been forced to eat food that would make anyone sick, the mistreatments she had seen and undergone herself her were unbearable.

But she had met Alice, and that single fact had made everything better. Alice was her ray of sunshine, she had given her a love Amelia thought was never meant for her to have. Alice made her heart beat, without her, Amelia would surely have become crazy in those six days. She felt tears gather in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She wouldn't ruin this perfect moment with her stupid sadness. This was probably the last day they would get to spend together and Amelia wanted to commit everything about Alice to her memory. God, how she wanted to kiss those rosy lips, to taste them, feel their softness, hear the little gasps and moans Alice would make. She wanted to hold Alice close to her, feel her heart beat next to hers, feel her breath on her face. Amelia felt longing coursing through her veins, taking hold of her whole body, spreading a numbness in her muscles.

That night, Alice told Amelia three word she thought she would never hear. And Alice thought she would never say those words again. She used to believe her heart had become hard, she thought she had built strong walls to protect herself, that she had become invulnerable to love and heartache. But Amelia had arrived and with a few smiles and gestures of kindness, she had broken those walls. And Alice was glad she did. She couldn't say she was happy, she wasn't sure she was able to feel pure joy and happiness anymore, but this was more than she ever expected to feel and it was more than enough.

That night, Amelia decided she would do everything to get Alice out of this place. Alice would be free, no matter what, Amelia made this silent promise as Alice chastely kissed her lips. Alice was an angel, she didn't belong in hell. Amelia was going to fight for her, and for all the other woman trapped in this place. It wouldn't be easy, and perhaps Alice would resent her for lying to her this week, but it didn't matter. Even if she didn't want anything to do with Amelia after this, the American was going to fight for her. She wouldn't abandon Alice. Never.

Amelia let a few tears fall when she climbed on the boat that would bring her back to the city, to the real world. Alice had seemed happy for her when the doctors announced her departure. Yet, Amelia had seen the despair in her eyes at the thought of going back to leaving without the bright blue-eyed woman. 'I love you, Alice. I'm coming back for you, I'll get you out of here. I promise.' Amelia had whispered the words so only Alice could hear them. The look in Alice's eyes had told her she wasn't believing those words. It didn't matter, as long as Alice held on long enough for Amelia to fulfil her promise.

Of course, Alice was heartbroken when Amelia went away. She longed to see her again, but she couldn't help feeling happy thinking that the young woman had gone back to the city, that she could live free. And yet, Alice was selfish too, she envied Amelia, she wanted to walk through these doors, take the rusty boat and go back to the busy streets on the other shore. And she wanted to feel Amelia's arms wrapped around her waist again. They hadn't shared many intimate moments, but the few memories she had made her heart beat with a longing she hadn't experienced in a long time. Even though she wouldn't admit it, Alice hoped Amelia missed her, that despite leaving this hellhole, she longed to feel Alice's presence by her side. She wished her feelings weren't one-sided. She had had the impression Amelia returned her love, but how could she be certain? And how could she be sure that Amelia wouldn't meet someone else out there and forget her? It hurt just to think about it.

However, Amelia could never forget Alice. She loved the Englishwoman deeply, like she had never loved anyone else before. Amelia had promised herself she would get Alice out of the asylum, and she was determined to do it. She worked night and day, writing for hours, trying to remember everything, to give accurate descriptions of people and places and mistreatments. She wanted the country to know everything that was wrong in those asylums. And when it was finally published, Amelia's article made the effect of a bomb, indignation spreading through the population, forcing the authorities to take measures. There were going to be more control on how the asylums were run, some nurses were fired, some other left on their own. Doctors were also punished for their incompetence and inaction.

It had been a month since her departure when Amelia was back on the island the asylum was on. She carried a letter that allowed her to take Alice home with her. This time, Amelia was smiling widely, her heart beating with joy. Alice and she would even have a reason for living together if that was what the other woman wanted. Alice's mental health was still considered fragile, so Amelia could be taking care of her, at least officially. She doubted Alice needed anyone to take care of her.

Alice had lost a lot of weight, she looked tired and empty. Since Amelia had left she had lost the strength to fight. What was it worth? She would live her entire pitiful life in this establishment, afraid of saying a single word in case it brought the ire of evil nurses on her. The world had forgotten her, she had no friends, no family. Even Amelia had gone away. She was alone. The weight of her misery was too much for her frail shoulders. She had given up. After years of struggle, of disappointed hope and useless determination, she had finally given up. Alice might as well die quickly. It would be better than spending years and years waiting for the end in endless suffering. She felt so tired and lonely, she just wanted to close her eyes and slip out of consciousness. Alice had stopped eating last week. She already felt weaker, a sort of numbness taking hold of her body. She was fading away, slowly, without anyone taking the time to notice. She would disappear silently. One night she'd close her eyes and wouldn't open them in the morning. What a better way to go away?

She was sitting on the wooden bench, at the corner where she used to sit with Amelia. She knew the end was near, because she was having hallucination. Amelia's voice rang clearly in her ears. When she looked up, she saw dark blond wavy hair, shoulder-length and looking so soft. She wanted to card her finger through them. But it was only a figment of her imagination, it couldn't be anything else. Amelia wasn't here. There was no reason for her to be back on this damn island. No reason at all. Alice refused to believe Amelia would come back for her. She simply wasn't worth it.

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder, shaking her softly, whispering words she didn't understand. She heard Amelia say her name in that cute voice of hers, with that charming American accent. She drowned in the feeling of Amelia so close to her. Her heart ached deliciously. Suddenly, the hand on her shoulder became more insistent, the voice spoke louder. The words had a desperate ring to them. Something wet fell on her hand, but it couldn't be rain, Alice reasoned, they were inside. She hear a sob, strangled, as if the person tried not to let it out. Why was everything so hazy? She felt as if her head was full of fuzzy clouds, preventing her from thinking straight. And she was so tired. A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulder in a gently, comforting embrace. She smelled the familiar scent of Amelia. She smelled like a delicious summer day, so bright and sunny and warm.

"Amelia," Alice muttered, barely conscious of the name leaving her mouth. Amelia was here, whether it was true or just a dream didn't matter to Alice in that moment.

Amelia smiled softly and wrapped her arms tighter around Alice's shoulders, careful not to hurt the frail woman.

"I'm here, Alice. I'm here. See, I told you I'd come back for you," Amelia whispered lovingly. She gently carded her fingers through Alice's short blond hair. They had grown a little longer since Amelia had seen Alice for the last time. "Look at me, please, Alice. Please listen to me, stay with me. I love you Alice, please stay with me, stay conscious. I'm taking you home with me, I'm getting you out of here. I won't ever leave you behind again. Please Alice, keep your eyes open." Amelia was crying, begging Alice not to leave her, not now, not when they were so close to happiness. She needed Alice just like she needed oxygen.

Alice blinked, she felt weak, as if she was about to faint. At least, now she was sure Amelia was real. And her tears were real too. She didn't understand the words Amelia was saying but she heard the despair in them. Alice needed to stay alive and conscious, she refused to abandon Amelia, not when the other woman had come back for her. She felt warm droplets of salty water land above her upper lip. Her cheeks were wet already.

"I love you, Amy," Alice said, in a murmur. She wasn't sure if she was physically able to talk louder. It took tremendous amounts of energy just to think and to remember how to talk. "I want to sleep." Her eyelids were so heavy, but Amelia had asked her to keep her eyes open, to stay awake. She didn't want to disappoint her.

Amelia took a glass bottle from her bag. It contained a heavy liquid. Before coming to the asylum, Amelia had prepared a nourishing fruit juice for Alice. She had tested the food they were served and thought Alice would appreciate having something else. She had also brought a sandwich with her, but she realised Alice was probably in no state to eat something solid. It broke her heart to see the woman she loved in such a state of weakness and despair, but deep down she knew things would get better. She wouldn't lose hope, even if things got bad, even if it took time for Alice to get better and be healthy again, even if they argued, Amelia knew it would get better eventually. They were going to make things work, they would live happily. Amelia just knew it.

14


End file.
